


The Birds Work For The Bourgeoisie

by JABcat3



Category: Humor Me Webcomic
Genre: Implied though - Freeform, James’s grandmother dies, Multi, My second humor me fanfic!, Stalker, Suicidal Thoughts, That impacts him a lot too, a pg one though, he has crushes though, he has one at one point in here, no actual relationships aside for friendship, that hits him pretty hard, the last two ships are planned in future fics and I tried to hint at them here but failed, there is one kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23440291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JABcat3/pseuds/JABcat3
Summary: James is rich and, in all ways but physical, a swan.Aka, the fanfic in which birds like James.
Relationships: Charlie Summers/ Louis Thornberry, James Hardford/ Louis Thornberry/ Charlie Summers, James Hardford/Charlie Summers, James Hardford/Louis Thornberry
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	The Birds Work For The Bourgeoisie

All of the best days started with birds. This, in James’ mind, was a non-negotiable fact.

In fact, the day when he had gotten his first camera, he had woken up to the chaotic cacophony of chirps, the birds essentially going berserk.

Of course at first, he had been terrified, clutching his sheets, his hands trembling slightly at what promised to be a day of doom, hailed by the birds. However, after a solid two hours and thirteen minutes, he had grown tired of awaiting his inevitable end and crept out of bed, his old teddy bear clutched tightly to his chest.

It wasn’t until he had gone downstairs and gotten a glimpse of the parlor when he had remembered exactly what day it was.

His birthday.

And with that singular piece of knowledge, he had then bolted into the dining room, clad in his striped pajamas, the bear no longer held tight, but hanging by a paw from his hand while he ran to get a glimpse of the goods that awaited him.

In the dining room, there had been a cake, a marvelous cake really, the height of two- no three- teddy bears. Atop it sat eleven waxy multicolored candles, truly the crowning pieces of the cake that declared to all how old he was turning. 

It was then, when he was staring at the cake in awe, when he had heard a chuckle from behind him.

“What’s got you so excited- ah.”

James had then spun on his toes, excited to the boot.

“Dad?”

“Hey there squirt. You decided to sleep in today huh?”

His father tousled his hair good-naturedly and the rest of the day had passed by in an excited blur. From having breakfast with his parents and spending the day with them at the zoo of all places, James had had a wonderful day. He still remembers how deliriously joyful he had been on the ride home, excited for some cake and presents.

And then, he remembers quite vividly, the moment he had lain his eyes on the camera- the moment he received it and it was his.

It had been wrapped in purple, with a royal blue ribbon topping it off. It hadn’t looked special amongst all the other gifts, so naturally, like he had done with all the other gifts, he had torn into it.

And then- there it was- a true piece of art, a camera. It was sleek and black and he had almost felt afraid holding it. For a moment, shame had flooded through him at how he had torn the wrapping of the gift just before, but then he just- paused to take in the camera. The weight, the feel of the buttons and dials, and the cool smooth sides. He had then turned it round and round in his hands til he had seen it all and knew that it was his- truly his.

He still remembers- though it is quite unlikely he’ll ever forget- his first photograph of a small robin egg. It wasn’t a masterpiece. There had been no filters and he had been shaky when he had taken the picture so the camera had been slightly out of focus.

But that photo- despite its simplicity or perhaps because of it- was breathtaking.

And that night, after his parents had tucked him to bed lovingly, he had lain awake staring at the window.

This- he had concluded- was not the first time the birds had ‘indicated’ of good fortune his way.

After all, on the day he had met Louis, his best friend, he had fed a duck in the garden, a duck that ended up stealing his grandmother’s hat which gave them all a good laugh.

And on the day he had first received binoculars- for the purposes of birdwatching as that had been his interest as of late- he saw the baby birds in a nearby nest learn to fly.

There was- in his mind- a solid connection between his good fortune and the birds and he was going to prove it.

~

As it turned out, it took awhile for the good fortune to arrive. Namely seven months.

“You’re going to have a sibling James. Oh aren’t you excited?”

He was, but he had also been on a mission to prove the connection between birds and good fortune, and he hadn’t been planning on squandering that opportunity just because he was distracted coming up with what to name his new sibling.

And so, on the day he had received the news, he had been noncommittal- his mind on the inevitable bird. It was bound to show up- he knew it. And- when it would show- he would have it immortalized in his camera. Until then, he stared out the window and spent all day outside for the fleeting hope of catching a bird doing something extraordinary.

The hours passed, his parents grew worried and went to talk as he waited, the camera growing heavier in his hands as he grew impatient and the sun sunk lower and lower.

It was only when the garden had been bathed in the blackest blue of the night when he had finally accepted that the bird wasn’t going to come.

There was no golden goose in the garden. Just a young boy with an overactive imagination.

He had then called it a night and had headed in with a plan to set everything right.

He remembers how he had told his parents how he had been thinking of names all day- not exactly a lie as he had to do something while waiting for the bird- and he recalls how after that he had spent a wonderful evening with them, planning and wondering about his new sibling.

That night they had tucked him into bed and had read him a fairytale of the true birds, of others like him- too fragile and knowing too much about the cruelties of the world- yet not enough- and he had drifted off to sleep.

He recalls waking up later that evening, strangely lucid. To this day he doesn’t know why it had happened.

It had been 11:58 pm according to his bedside clock. Something had kept him from rolling over and heading back to sleep. Something was off.

It was then he noticed the crow.

It had sparkly black feathers (or perhaps that was the snow) and it hoarded a shiny thing- a gift.

And in one swoop, James was up and opening the window.

It was a coin. A really, really old coin.

The crow stared at him. He stared at the crow. The crow dropped the coin on the windowsill and squawked.

“Thank you,” James had breathed out, his breath vivid in the frosty night air.

And with that it was over and the crow had flown away leaving behind a treasure.

James had stared at the gold coin.

Seems there was a golden goose after all. 

And now, he knew, it was quite impossible to prove.

It would have to be enough.

~

He’s older now. 

Some would say he’s wiser too. Others (read: Louis) who know him would say he’s not much wiser. (Louis has seen one too many of his harebrained plans to call him wise or- for that matter- sane.)

James glanced out the window, bored with the professor’s lesson already. 

It was a nice enough autumn morning, the soft light bathing the warm trees, the soft breeze shifting the brightly dull leaves across the courtyard every so often as students milled about, chatting each other up. All in all, a nice autumn day, though nothing special.

Well, nothing special aside from that bird who just stole that groundskeeper's sandwich.

He smirks, recalling a particular summer evening which involved his grandmother, two ducks, a bag of sunflower seeds, and a new companion by the name of Louis Thornberry.

A sharp pain blooms on his right shoulder. “Ow!” He hisses. “What was that for?”

Louis regards him with a bored look.

“The prof's about to give out homework and I figured you don’t want to get on your dad’s bad side again.”

James winces. They had been arguing a lot lately regarding his future. It was a good idea to at least try to stay on his father’s good side. 

“Oh. Thanks.”

James turns to the front, his eyes glazing over at the various assignments scribbled on the board in chalk.

~

James was fourteen when his world crashed and bloomed in ominous shades of gray and black.

It had been a Wednesday afternoon and he had been doing his homework.

He still isn’t certain of the day’s events. All he remembers are a few key moments, scattered here and there.

He remembers seeing his father’s car pull out and seeing his father step out into the downpour with the most grim look imaginable.

He remembers hearing Amy cry and his mother let out a choked sob while he ran downstairs.

He remembers his father looking him dead in the eye, speaking words he couldn’t understand and hugging him tightly.

He remembers the long night of tossing and turning.

A heart attack. She had left so quickly. No final words of goodbye.

A funeral quickly followed, the sun shining, the leaves rustling in the soft wind, and the tears falling as he watched his grandmother’s grave sink into the ground.

The world wasn’t the same. How could it? When his father worked longer as the new owner of the company and his mother stayed locked away in her room with Amy, barely sparing him a glance if he passed by. 

For the first time, he was alone.

He was surrounded by a sea of people giving him their condolences and he was alone.

Well- almost.

Louis had been right there with him through it all.

In his darkest hour, Louis had stayed, coming over constantly and sleeping over nearly every night.

If not for Louis-

Well, James doesn’t want to think about it.

~

James was seven when first heard the story of the ugly duckling.

And he understood. Somewhat.

He didn’t have a lot of friends either. Not because no one wanted to be his friend, but because their reasons were always wrong.

“Because daddy told me to.”

“Because mommy wants me to.”

“Because you’re rich.”

He was sick and tired of it. They were ducks, the lot of them, and he wasn’t one of them. He wanted a friend that cared about him. Not a yes-man.

So, he ended up alone. 

For a while, anyway.

~

“God, this is so boring.”

James rolled his eyes. “Oh, grow up will you? At least we don’t have to sit with the adults.”

The slightly disheveled boy tossed his head over his shoulder and eyed him with a particular interest.

“Well, you certainly look like you fit in with them.”

James gasped, fully turning to look at the boy that sat beside him on the bench.

“I do not.” He stated indignantly.

The other boy scoffed, his hand digging around into a bag of sunflower seeds. “That’s rich.”

James stood up, his fists clenched and angry.

“I don’t. I’m not a boring adult.”

“Prove it.”

James frowned.

“What?”

“Prove it. Prove that you’re not a boring adult.”

James huffed.

“Fine. Give me that.”

He snatched the sunflower seeds and stormed over to the small pond that the bench overlooked, his hand already grabbing a rather small fistful.

His eyes met a duck’s.

Perfect.

A familiar voice piped up next to him. “So what’s the plan?”

“We wreak havoc.”

“Oh good. I was worried you were just going to feed the ducks like an old man.”

“Actually, that’s more or less of the plan.”

The two twelve year old boys grinned at each other, a pact of chaos sealing the fate of the partygoers.

~

The birds were acting odd again. This wouldn’t generally be a problem, but it was beginning to be a daily occurrence. And there was nothing particularly special that was happening to him on the day to day basis.

Which meant that he was missing something.

And he was going to find it if it killed him.

For now though, he had to follow Charlie to see if he got a new job yet.

~

James was seventeen when he saw a bird drop from the sky into oncoming traffic.

That was the day he met her.

He really should have paid attention.

~

She had been friendly. 

James had met her in a coffee shop when she had ‘accidentally’ spilled coffee on his lap. She had immediately gotten a handful of napkins and tried to dry him while offering to buy him a new cup of coffee.

And then she had stayed at his table with her own cup and had talked with him. It was pleasant. ~~It was all a lie.~~

~

She had appeared often.

After they met, he kept bumping into her. In the park, on the train, in coffee shops, you name it. Again and again and again he would run into her. And each and every time she had suggested fate was pushing them together and then would lightly laugh along with him before talking with him a bit. And, after a while, they exchanged numbers. ~~He should have seen it, why hadn’t he?~~

~

She was clingy.

Eventually she had become Amy’s babysitter. It had been a shock to see her in his home, but he had foolishly brushed it off. She just needed an after school job. She couldn’t have known that Amy was his younger sister.

But…

Her suggestions that it was fate became more like statements and the laughter that followed no longer felt like laughter at the notion, but at his resistance of it. And everytime he didn’t see her he was getting texts and calls asking where he is and what he’s doing and with who. ~~Why had he ignored it?~~

~

She was a stalker. 

He had come home early one day. He didn’t find it odd, until he found Amy alone in her room with her dolls. Because… she was supposed to be watching Amy.

And then he had walked into his room. Nothing could have prepared him for that sight.

His drawers were completely pulled out and his clothes littered the floor. The items on his desk that had been organized so neatly in the morning were in utter disarray. And she sat in the middle of the whole mess a shirt halfway stuffed into her purse. Needless to say she was fired and he blocked her number. ~~He should have done more.~~

~

She is dangerous.

It’s a week later when he gets a call from the new babysitter that Amy’s missing. ~~Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.~~

He unblocks the number slowly, the numbing shock leaving him strangely rational, and looks at the newest text. ~~It’s all his fault. It’s all his fault.~~

‘ _Maybe this will convince you to come back to me.’_

Above it is a picture of Amy playing with dolls on a bed.

Chills run up his spine.

The police are called and the rest is a blur.

He recalls staying up late in the kitchen with some officer answering questions about _her_.

He recalls the solemn knock on the door.

He recalls seeing Amy fast asleep in his father’s arms- safe.

And he recalls his vow, his promise, to be more careful.

~

James was fifteen when he first got the idea.

“Do you think I’d be a good model?”

Louis glances over at him. “You?”

“Yes. Me.”

Louis looks him up and down.

“Yeah. Probably. You’ve certainly got the looks for it.”

James lets out a breath. Louis was- for the most part- an honest person. He wouldn’t lie unless he had a good reason to.

“So, why are you asking?”

James hesitates and bites his lip. Well, no harm in telling him.

“I’m thinking of modeling for my father’s company.”

“Why?”

“Well, my father has been bugging me about getting a job.”

“Can’t you become a photographer then? You’re pretty good at that.”

“I asked him, but he just scoffed and said, ‘I meant a real job.’”

James frowns, the memory of his father’s disappointed face still fresh. That had been a rather unpleasant evening.

Louis pats his back. “Well, what’s said is said and what’s done is done. Can’t dwell on the past. Now come on. There is a thermos in my room just waiting to be filled while we pull an all-nighter writing that essay.”

“Yeah- wait, essay?”

And with that James ran after an unbothered Louis.

“What do you mean by ‘essay’? Wait!”

~

James took another picture of the pigeon at his feet.

He was procrastinating. Even the pigeon seemed aware of this, pecking at his shoe.

“I know.” He grumbles.

God, it was so difficult to own up to mistakes.

But, he was- or at least liked to think he was- a decent person. And decent people admitted when they were wrong.

James finally gets up. He should get it over with.

He walks over to Charlie who’s sitting on a nearby bench.

“Hey.”

Charlie looks up at him and frowns, his mouth curling in annoyance, his brow slightly furrowed, trying to figure out what’s going to happen.

“I’m sorry.”

There, he said it.

“What?”

“I’m sorry for being a-” he pauses, remembering they’re in a park and children are nearby.

“ Jerk.” He finishes lamely.

“Oh. Uh, I accept your apology.” Charlie smiles lightly, his eyes looking into the distance watching something.

It doesn’t feel like enough. He needs Charlie to _see._

“I just-”

He cringes inwardly at his awkward blurting out.

He takes a breath.

“I had a bad experience once and when we met, it hit too close to home, you know.”

Charlie’s eyes are on him now, understanding.

“Yeah. Don’t stress about it.” Charlie pauses and after a minute or so scoots over.

“Here. If you want, you can sit here.”

He smiles sheepishly, his hand rubbing the base of his. “Ah, no. I just wanted to apologize.”

Charlie tosses a teasing grin.

“Wow, the prince himself just came over to apologize to _me_?”

James snorts.

“I’m about as much of a prince as you are a model.”

“I-”

A small voice pipes up behind him, interrupting Charlie.

“Hey there Mr. Pervert!” James nearly chokes on his spit.

“I- I’m not-” he sputters out. How does one get back from that?

Charlie is standing now, the borrower latched onto his leg, a brow raised and a slightly amused smile adorning his face.

“Pervert, huh?”

His cheeks burn.

“I, uh, may or may not have landed outside his daycare once when running from the paparazzi.”

Charlie opens his mouth to speak, but Lucian beats him to it.

“So can we go home now?”

Charlie looks down and smiles. “Sure Luce.”

He looks up.

“Well, I’ve got to go. See you around I guess.”

Charlie makes a move to leave, th little borro- Lucian holding his hand.

James smiles. That’s good. He got everything settl-

His smile drops and he jogs to catch up.

“Wait!”

“Hmm?”

Charlie’s slightly turned towards him. James holds out a slip of paper.

“My mother’s looking for a babysitter for these hours. And since I got you fired…” he trails off.

Charlie looks shocked before a smile takes over his face.

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

Charlie takes the piece of paper and slips it into his pocket. 

“Well, we’ve really got to go. See you around.”

Charlie turns again then glances over his shoulder, a grin on his face.

“Oh and James?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not a model, huh?” Charlie smiles mischievously, and his heart skips a beat.

Shit.

~

James is sixteen when he has his first kiss.

He and Louis are on Louis’ bed, doing everything but their homework when the question stumbles out of James’ mouth.

“Have you gotten your first kiss yet?”

Louis peers over at him from his book.

“No.”

“Aren’t you curious? What it’s like?”

“A bit, yeah, but I have to study right now so that I can go to Oxford.”

James hesitates.

“Can- could I practice with you?”

Louis puts his book down. 

“Alright.”

James’ mouth goes dry as if he’s just swallowed a bag of dust.

He manages to croak out an okay and scoots closer.

“So how are we-”

A warm hand holds his cheek and he looks into Louis’ eyes, unusually serious.

“Like this.”

And Louis’ lips press against his softly. Heat floods his cheeks and he tears away from a slightly flushed Louis.

Oh.

Well, shit.

~

James stares at the swan gliding in the small pond.

He’s like that swan, he thinks.

Elegant, but vicious.

And just a little bit lonely.

Maybe that’s why the birds helped him.

~

“Are you my friend?”

The sky gets a little darker, bathed in the red of the setting summer sun. He and Louis are fourteen. It’s a new moon.

“Yeah.”

The swing creaks as he swings lightly forth.

“Why?”

The leaves rustle in the cold wind. Autumn’s coming soon. They should probably head in.

“Because it’s fun.”

James pauses.

“Yeah.”


End file.
